We all do it.
Just a little whinge. It doesn’t hurt anyone. If anything, it’s cathartic.
But why do we love to complain so much? And does it actually work?
So, I’ll preface this week’s newsletter by saying that I am absolutely not of the mindset that we should “only think positively all the time”. I have written extensively about how damaging I think this is, with a particular focus on hustle culture and how we are led to believe that we can change everything if we just think happy thoughts.
However, I have been thinking a lot recently about complaining and where it is actually getting us. On one hand, complaining is the first step towards change. If Emmeline Pankhurst and The Suffragette Movement had never spoken up about gender inequality in democracy, then women may have never been given the vote.
We can’t deny the power of standing up for what you believe, and often complaining is the first step towards that.
But in our daily lives, how far is complaining really getting us? A New York Times article from 2020 theorised that complaining can actually have a positive effect on our mental health, allowing us to bond further with our friends.
I would argue there’s a flip side to that. We all have people in our lives who complain a little bit too much. It can be draining to be around someone who might seem negative all the time, especially if they aren’t taking any steps towards fixing their problems.
I think this is where we need to take a look at the different types of complaining and determine what’s useful behaviour and what’s not.
Venting
None of us are immune to venting. In fact, getting something off your chest can be cathartic, and keeping problems locked up inside will only lead to more pain later down the line. We can all agree that it’s important to vent. But who to? Having friends and family members who are happy to listen to your problems, and even chip in with the occasional “what?!” is really invaluable.
Listening to someone vent is part of being a good friend. But when you return to the same problems, time and time again, with no drive towards a solution, you risk falling into the next category.
Ruminating
My fellow CBT veterans will know this one well. Ruminating is the act of repeatedly thinking about a certain situation or problem, often in a circular manner that’s very difficult to stop.
For those prone to anxiety or depression, rumination can be debilitating. I’ve been there. The repetitive nature of ruminating thoughts further strengthens those patterns in our brains that allow us to take day-to-day situations and turn them into catastrophes in our heads. It’s a tough habit to break, but you can certainly do some things (more on that later).
Problem-solving
Also known as “productive complaining,” this one is a tough cookie to master. But, if we want to see actual change come from our negativity, it’s the goal we must strive towards.
If you find yourself in a situation that is worth complaining about, such as getting a parking ticket or not getting a bonus at work, the first thing you’ll likely do in this situation is vent. It’s infuriating and, honestly, a situation that no one wants to be in - especially given the current Cost of Living Crisis.
But during this process, you face a choice. You can either fall into a pattern of rumination, which will likely result in negative self-talk and placing blame on yourself and others. Or, you can look to problem-solving. Take the parking ticket example: can you appeal the decision? If you have to pay the ticket, do you have the funds available? Is there an early repayment window? If you don’t have the money, can you borrow from a friend or family member? What other options are there to help you out?
Ask yourself: what is the solution you would like to see? Think realistically; it’s unlikely that the parking ticket will just go away! Work backwards from your ideal solution and tap into your support network to get this problem sorted.
Offering support vs. solutions
So, we know that we all complain sometimes… but if you’re like me, then you might often struggle to know how to respond to someone’s complaints. I have to admit, I can be unsympathetic at times. I’m not Tony Robbins (thankfully, that guy is a scumbag), but I have definitely been known to respond to complainers in a less-than-ideal way (my husband can confirm that).
My own mindset is very focused on solutions. I identify problems, and I might have a quick vent, but I will immediately work towards the best possible solution with the tools I need. At first glance, that’s obviously a great way to be. But what about when a solution isn’t enough? Sometimes, I risk throwing myself (or others) into an action plan, that I forget about the bit where I offer emotional support.
I wonder if anyone else has this problem or if I am just a bit heartless. Okay, heartless is extreme, but what I am getting at here is that it has, on more than one occasion, caused a problem for me when someone brought a problem to the table, and I jumped straight in trying to help them, instead of asking: “Are you okay?”
This is very common in relationships, especially heterosexual ones, where men tend to be more solutions-focused, and women are led by empathy. If you, like me, regularly find yourself in these situations and aren’t sure how to respond, there’s actually a very simple way to fix it: just ask them.
“I am listening. Do you need support or solutions?”
And let them decide.
Protecting yourself
It goes without saying that providing support and solutions can be exhausting. Listening to complaints is part of being a good friend or family member, but what about when it all gets too much? Whether it’s one-sided or you’re just exhausted because they’ve entered a ruminating state, it’s worth remembering this one thing: you can’t control how someone else behaves, only how you react to this behaviour.
And if that means setting boundaries with a chronic complainer to protect your own mental health, then that’s a necessary step you will have to take.
What’s actually in your control?
Working this out is easier said than done. In recent years, I have taken to asking myself, “Is this in my control? What is in my control?” This often guides me down the problem-solving path instead of dragging me into the ditch of rumination.
Earlier this year, I wrote about how I got a penalty notice for using my phone while driving. I was playing The Wiggles on Spotify at a red light to try and soothe my crying toddler in the backseat. There’s no justifying it, really. It’s illegal, and that’s that.
For the first few days after receiving the letter, I was absolutely furious while driving. I specifically remember being stopped at a red light, looking into the rearview mirror, and seeing that the woman behind me was looking down at her phone.
“Everyone does it! I am so unlucky. Can’t believe this happened to me!”
I stood there, at the metaphorical fork in the road, very close to toppling down into rumination and, ultimately, self-destruction.
But then I realised something. I can’t change it now. I did something; I have to pay a fine (actually, I ended up going on an excellent course, but even if I had had to pay the fine and take the points, I had already come to terms with that in my head before I was offered the course).
When I told my friends and family about the penalty notice, they were understandably annoyed. “You should appeal!” But what’s the point? I did it, and I know I did. It’s no longer in my control. What’s in my control is making sure I don’t do it again and recognising that even though everyone does it, I’m the only one who can control and take responsibility for my own actions.
So, I really wanted to write about complaining this week because I am aware that things are tough out there, especially for freelancers like us. And, at the same time, there are hustle bros all over the internet telling us to suck it up and that “you get what you put into it”. This simply isn’t true.
We don’t have control over everything—in fact, we don’t have control over much at all. But what we can control is our reaction to situations. We can accept that we make mistakes sometimes, but we can only do our best.
Very little grass was touched this weekend as I have been struck down with the flu. Craig went to Warhammer World for a tournament, and I was solo parenting through the worst virus I’ve had in recent years, so it was a very dark time. But I did manage to distract myself with a few things on the telly, including:
🎥 Triangle of Sadness (Prime) - A ridiculous comedy satire from famed Swedish director Ruben Östlund (The Square). This film is far from perfect (and too long, IMO) but still an enjoyable watch.
🎥 Barkley Marathons: The Race That Eats Its Young (Prime) - Since British ultrarunner and mother-of-two Jasmin Paris became the first woman to complete the famous Barkley Marathons last week, I have become absolutely obsessed with learning everything there is to know about this brutal 100+ mile-long race. This documentary covers the 2014 race, and is a good insight into how it all came to be.
That’s all from me this week. I’ll be back again next week with more hot takes and less snot.
Ellen x
So true! Like you, I’m usually a solution oriented thinker. Of course I have the odd unproductive whine too, but mostly I like to whine then get on with things, and am easily frustrated by people who fall more into the rumination side. Like if someone’s complained to me about the same thing more than once, my emotional support offering is this facial expression workflow: 🤨😒😠🙄 … not exactly nice, lol!
However I must add I used to be a real complainer too. I had a negative mindset most of the time and the “why me” attitude towards everything, feeling powerless to change anything. It’s the way I was raised. So thankful I was able to get out of that spiral!
My philosophy is as long as someone is trying to change a situation by taking some sort of action, then they can complain about it along the way, haha. 😊
Great blog today! I'm sorry about the flu thing it seems to be everywhere there!
Had a few causes to complain here in Brittany, mainly about Google's inaccuracy if information with respect to opening times of places such as restaurants, bars and community spaces. I suppose it's only as good as it's contributors. It's a full time job!