Are we dating the same guy?
On gossip, whisper networks and data privacy
I was recently introduced to the concept of Are We Dating the Same Guy? Facebook groups, where women come together to share experiences about dating local men, often with initials, photos, and ages.
Posts on these groups go from bizarre to horrifying and downright hilarious. Women post “any tea? 🍵” in the hope of finding out more about someone they’ve met on a dating app.
Let’s dig into the origins of said groups, and some of the moral and ethical qualms I have with them.
A brief history of Are We Dating the Same Guy?
The first Are We Dating the Same Guy? Facebook group was set up in March 2022 by Paola Sanchez in New York. Since then, thousands of groups have appeared, with millions of members all over the world.
These groups are typically private (not always, more on that later), and you need to answer some semi-strict questions to gain entry.
When scrolling through the local Newcastle group, I started thinking about how this is like the modern version of gossip, which is historically a uniquely female activity. In fact, the word gossip evolved from the Old English godsib (godparent) to describe a close circle of women gathered at childbirth, later shifting in the 16th century to mean idle talk and rumor-mongering.
Even in its origins, gossip is a bad thing. However, modern feminists have started to rethink the negative associations with gossip, and actually portray it as a positive.
As far back as the 1400s, women have come together to do communal activities such as cooking, cleaning, and sewing, and during that time, they could discuss their lives and those around them. In a world where women were second-class citizens, the sharing of information is undoubtedly one of the most powerful ways women were able to keep themselves safe from sexual and physical violence.
Marxist feminist scholar Silvia Federici has explored this in her work, Witch, witch-hunting and women:
“In many parts of the world, women have historically been seen as the weavers of memory – those who keep alive the voices of the past and the histories of the communities, who transmit them to the future generations and, in so doing, create a collective identity and profound sense of cohesion. They are also those who hand down acquired knowledges and wisdoms – concerning medical remedies, the problems of the heart, and the understanding of human behaviour”.
Shhhh!
Groups like Are We Dating the Same Guy? are essentially what’s known as a ‘whisper network’. This is an informal gossip group where people pass on information within a community, often to protect others from abusers.
Like gossip, whisper networks have been around for generations, but they gained online popularity amidst the #MeToo movement, where celebrities would share information about who is safe to work with and who is not.
Now, this whisper network has reached us normies, and any woman can post in these groups asking for ‘tea’ on pretty much any man.
There’s no denying that women need to use gossip and whisper networks to stay safe. Modern dating is very dangerous; you only have to look at cases like Grace Millane’s to see that. But where is the line between sharing information for safety and one man’s right to privacy? It’s a tricky one.
The problem
Well, there are a few problems.
Often, I see posts in the groups asking if anyone else is dating this man (y’know, because that’s the title of the group). Then, in the comments, women will anonymously reply to call the OP out… e.g. “If you’re not exclusive then he can date whoever he wants!”
Then an argument will ensue about what it’s realistic to expect from men at the early stages of dating. Asking said man directly never seems like an option, but maybe that’s too autistic of me.
In the private group I’m in, you can post:
A first name and last initial
A photo
Age
Location
That’s some pretty identifiable information, I’d say. I am not a legal professional, so I don’t know where this stands with regard to data privacy or even libel. And even writing that makes me feel weird, as my stance is always to believe women.
Even in a few short weeks, I’ve seen some pretty horrific posts and comment sections. Some men receive 30+ comments with countless women sharing experiences of violence, abuse, and harassment. Others receive none, or simply “I went for a date, but we didn’t click.”
But I’ve also seen men shamed for kinks or more general complaints, like the below from a Vice article on the subject, mentioned by a man who learned he was posted in a group after a bad first date:
“I knew I was in that group because I heard it from multiple sources and obviously her side doesn’t match my side. We had a miscommunication and then I’m hearing from girls I grew up with that I’m a creep or that I did something. I don’t think these groups are helpful to anyone.”
Gossip saves lives
In a world where 33% to 37% of online daters experience harassment or abuse, just under 20% of all recorded crime is violence towards women and girls, one woman is killed every five days by an abusive partner or ex-partner… It’s hard to deny the importance of whisper networks.
The only way women can stay safe (or at least try to) is by working together to protect themselves. It’s a tragic but very real truth.
But in the wild west of social media, what does this mean for personal privacy? Are women even safe to post in these groups, especially considering you only have to answer a few simple security questions to gain entry? I doubt everyone in there is who we think they are.
As for the men, it’s a tough one. I am not a man, so I can’t comment, but my initial gut thoughts are that you don’t need to worry about being posted there if you’re not doing anything wrong. But then again, if there’s little policing around who posts, this might not necessarily be as cut and dry as I hope.
I’d love to hear some anecdotes about these groups or whisper networks in general. Let me know your takes in the comments!
💌 About this email
I’m Ellen, and I write about mental health for the chronically online. I am a freelance copywriter, strategist and web designer, and I work from home at Content By The Sea. I have two rescue greyhounds, Potter and Harmony, and a human daughter.
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