Home is where the heart is

Discussing homesickness and being a menty b pro

You may have noticed that there was no newsletter last week; that’s because I was in New York City! My brother Joe and I hopped on a plane last Sunday for our first-ever venture stateside, filled with excitement and equipped with a busy itinerary.

Having previously embarked on short trips away without Craig and my daughter Miri, I figured five nights would be totally manageable, and, while I’d obviously miss them, it was ultimately important for me to do these things for myself now.

However, a lethal cocktail of poorly timed illness, jet lag and weaning hormones sent me into an emotional spiral on a scale I’ve not seen since the dark depths of baby blues.

In hindsight, going very far away and weaning my baby at the same time was clearly not a smart choice. From heaving cries to a three-hour-long panic attack, the hormone changes that came with weaning after 16 months of breastfeeding really put me through the ringer.

Like those early days of motherhood, this was one of those situations where I felt truly angry that I didn’t know this would happen to me, and that I would feel quite as unwell. When I was pregnant, we did the NCT antenatal class, and, while I do recommend the programme for meeting your best baby friends, I wouldn’t rate their curriculum on mental health.

We spent about an hour out of a three-day programme discussing “What’s the difference between baby blues and post-natal depression?” And yet, I still don’t think it was particularly clear to me how bad the baby blues can be. In fact, I’ve since learned that the drop in estrogen and progesterone you experience in the first few days post-birth is the biggest hormone change in the shortest timespan that any human ever experiences.

When a midwife visits you on Days 2 and 5 post-birth, the focus is still very much on the health and happiness of your new baby. You might get: “How’s Mum?” which, in itself, is an infuriating question as we are only just learning to deal with the practicalities of parenthood and would really prefer to be referred to by our own name at this difficult time.

Another factor many of us must consider is the higher instances of postnatal depression and anxiety among those who have already experienced mental health issues in the past. In some ways, this actually worked in my favour as I have a toolkit prepared for anxiety and depression, both of which I am more than a little familiar with. So, I could identify the early signs in a way that perhaps someone without my lived experience might not have.

That being said, I was absolutely not prepared for the train crash of weaning and what this would do to my mental health, sense of self and overall mood.

For my few days in the city, I was crippled with homesickness. I've travelled southeast Asia, lived in Sydney and ventured on countless holidays, including two short trips without Craig and Miri this year. So, when the homesickness hit this time, I wasn't expecting it.

We’re coming home

Home means different things to different people. For me, growing up, it was a semi-detached house by the sea with my parents, brother and nephew. When my Mam died in 2019, and my family home was sold, I definitely had a strange sense of discomfort at the knowledge that this home was gone. But then I quickly realised that home was not bricks and mortar but a collection of people, items and feelings.

The COVID-19 lockdown gave many of us a new perception of home, be it good or bad. For some, home became a prison, a place they couldn't wait to leave. For Craig and me, our first house became a haven. A special place for the four of us - Potter & Harmony, too.

And, while I love jetting off to new destinations and sunnier climes, the more I do, the stronger my affinity with this special place in a quiet corner of the North East of England.

I’d love to know what home means to you - is it a place, a person or a combination of the two? I think, for me, it’s definitely my immediate family (Craig, baby, dogs), but also our cramped little house that we’ve probably outgrown, but still love dearly.

Homesickness isn’t something I’d experienced since university, so venturing back into the mindset was tough - but also very rewarding, in the sense that I had no dread about going home. I felt excited to return home, because if I missed it this much then it must be pretty sweet… right?

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We went to the cinema to see Molly Manning-Walker’s award-winning How To Have Sex, a film about a group of lasses who embark on their first holiday to Malia. This was a rough watch, with lots of trigger warnings, but I still highly recommend it as it was so viscerally realistic. I spent much of the film with my hands in front of my face!

I’ve also enjoyed listening to Fellowship of the Ring on Audible, read by Andy Serkis. A comforting visit to Middle Earth really helped me through my worst anxieties while I was travelling.

That’s all from me this week,

See you next Thursday for more of the same,

Ellen x