This week’s newsletter has an audio counterpart. I can’t promise this every week, but I figured I’d have a go at recording it as a ‘podcast-style’ chat for those who prefer that format. Let me know what you think!
We enjoyed our first rays of sunshine here in the North East this weekend, and it was so lovely to spend time outside as a family. You can't overestimate the power of that vitamin D boost after a long, wet winter.
However, the sudden sunny weather illuminated a few unexpected feelings for me, and I’m going to talk about those this week.
It's okay if the start of summer hasn't completely transformed your mood.
Sure, the sun brings with it lighter evenings, crisp, air-dried bedsheets, and morning coffee on the doorstep. But it also shines its light on other areas, some that we may have kept hidden in the shadows, choosing to pop away in a box through the winter months.
While some might find hope in the promise of warmer weather, others may worry about their bodies. The heat came so suddenly this weekend that I had to drag my summer clothes out of my wardrobe and frantically (and sweatily) try things on to see if they fit. For many of us, the prospect of showing more skin is daunting. It’s not as easy as whipping out a pair of shorts or a floaty summer dress and getting on with our day. We grew up in the times of America’s Next Top Model, size zero, the Special K diet, ‘heroin chic’ and “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” That little voice doesn’t just go away. It goes into hibernation, crawling out of its pit at the first sign of sunshine, making us choose between the oppressive heat of jeans or the inherent fear of flashing some flesh.
Although I have (mostly) found peace with my own body, especially after having a baby in 2022, I am still not immune to this critical self-talk. Rather than arguing back to it, I just let it say its piece and recognise that this comes from my external environment - of course I have these thoughts, I was surrounded by this rhetoric from my earliest days as young lass growing up in the UK.
A second part of my life I'd rather keep in darkness is the state of my home. Last weekend’s glorious sun illuminated dust I didn't even know we had… and it revealed a backyard that makes North Tyneside tip look like the Costa Del Sol.
Everything’s a mess
I love my home, but when the weather gets better, I notice a green-eyed monster eyeing up those old houses with pristine French doors leading into beautiful gardens. This jealousy isn't something to be proud of, but it's there. Although, this weekend, we channelled this energy into transforming our crappy yard, clearing the rubbish and potting some ‘beautiful flowers’ (our toddler's favourite phrase other than “What the hell!”), I still found myself eyeing up those big, bountiful lawns on Instagram and comparing them to my dishevelled backyard.
Call me bitter (because I am)
The sun's oppressive rays have also shed light on another deep-seated pain of mine. My summers growing up were filled with family barbeques, trips to the beach and adventures with my grandparents. I always hoped I'd be able to gift similar memories to my own child, but it's not necessarily worked out that way. We do have some family, but it's not the same as it was for me growing up with a big extended network of loved ones. Perhaps I'm adding a dash of nostalgia to my childhood memories, but regardless, it's still painful to feel as though we are entering the summer without something that many other young families take for granted.
So, to conclude this week’s newsletter, I just wanted to say that it’s okay if the sunshine hasn’t immediately blasted away all of your negative thoughts. The weather can improve our moods, sure, but this time of year can also shine a light on some of our biggest insecurities. If you found that to be the case this weekend, then you're certainly not alone.
I've talked enough about touching grass in this week's newsletter, so let's just go straight into things I've enjoyed:
📺Happy As Lazzaro (Prime Rental) - Visionary Italian filmmaker Alice Rohrwacher’s magic realism picture is SO good. I watched this in anticipation of her latest release, La Chimera.
📺Dark Matter (Apple TV+) - Author Blake Crouch has turned his mind-bending sci-fi novel into a series starring Joel Edgerton and the inimitable Jennifer Connelly. The first two eps of this have been spot on - another great adaptation for Apple after Lessons In Chemistry.
That's all from me this week,
See you next week for more about mental health for the chronically online.
Ellen x