Parenthood has brought with it many surprises. One thing I truly didn’t expect was how often I clamour for somewhere to go.
Raising a child can be a very lonely business, and I find it much easier to parent out and about. Even if I am just in a coffee shop with my daughter, there is much more around us to stimulate her and chat about.
In the house, it’s easy to just rely on the TV, and don’t get me wrong — she watches a lot of telly. But during the day, I much prefer to take her out on a little trip, so we can be amongst other humans and get fresh air at the same time.
Knowing where to go can be hard. In fact, I recently learned that it’s not just me who is struggling with this.
A third space is a place separate from home (“first space”) and work (“second space”). Traditional examples of third spaces include churches, community centres, gyms, cafes and libraries.
American sociologist Ray Oldenburg theorised that third spaces are the “anchors” of community life, and they must be accessible on neutral ground and feel like a “home away from home.”
You can probably already see where I am going with this.
Third spaces have declined for years, with over 700 libraries closing nationwide since the Tories came into power in 2010. The pandemic only exacerbated this problem, as all of our third spaces closed during the lockdowns. Many of them failed to reopen at all.
Adding insult to injury, many people also lost their second space. Home became more than just a place to be with family and rest; it became our office and our relaxation space.
I don’t want this to be misinterpreted as a “pro-office culture” piece. I have worked from home since before the pandemic, and it’s been the best thing for my mental health with regard to my working life. However, the shift towards home working, alongside the loss of my mam and our family home, has led to a significant need for third spaces to keep me sane.
Over a third of Britons have felt lonely since the pandemic restrictions lifted. The correlation between the closure of third spaces and the rise in loneliness is undeniable. I’d argue that with many of us having just one place for home and work, the importance of ‘having somewhere to go’ is more significant than ever.
Checking out and logging on
In recent years, people have found third spaces online. The rise in popularity of Discord servers, for example, has allowed people to socialise from their devices without even leaving their homes. Thanks to Twitter (which I’m no longer using), I found a community of amazing, like-minded people, many of whom I have met in person while travelling the country.
Growing up in the late 90s and early 00s, meeting someone online was risky business, but now it’s commonplace. It allows friendships to flourish that otherwise would have never happened due to distance.
However, online third spaces lack some of Oldenburg’s key characteristics. For example, third spaces should have a “playful mood.” Anyone who’s played online games will know that this isn’t always the case. The safety of the screen means that players interact in a way they never would in real life. Aggression and abuse are par for the course.
I’d also argue that due to our intricately linked digital lives, it’s impossible to find true reprieve online because there is always the threat of a work email or a bombarding group chat popping up in the corner of your eye.
The pub problem
Growing up in the UK, the pub has always been a much-loved third space. If you think about any British soap, you’ll notice that characters regularly convene in the pub, as this is an easy setting for writers to orchestrate interactions.
In real life, the pub is where many of us go to relax, unwind and converse. However, you can’t recognise the power of the pub without highlighting its downfalls. You don’t have to drink alcohol to go to the pub, obviously, but the nature of the place means many people do find themselves seeking solace in the bottom of a glass.
I think this is heavily linked to ‘living for the weekend’ - a phenomenon that’s still all-too-prevalent here in the UK, where people who work Monday to Friday will countdown until the end of the week, where they can let off steam and enjoy a few drinks.
But when drinking becomes ritualistic, there is a risk of excluding people who can’t or choose not to partake. For example, there’s a ‘tradition’ called wetting the baby’s head, when the father of a newborn goes out with his mates and has a few drinks to celebrate the birth of his child. On the surface, this seems harmless, but given the fact that it’s the mother who has carried the baby, given birth and now possibly feeding the infant, it doesn’t really make sense that the father should leave her to go out and binge drink with his pals.
Idle gossip
Women are raised in communities; even the concept of “gossip” is synonymous with groups of women sharing news and thoughts on the people and places around them. Gossip actually originates from the group of women who gathered at the birth of a child. These women were there to provide much-needed support to the mother, and since childbirth takes absolutely ages, this often became a place of idle chitchat.
Think of the women in your own life growing up. How often were they alone? Did your mother spend much time with her mother, if she was around?
I would often go shopping with my grandma and great aunt, and visiting my maternal gran was (and still is) the highlight of our week. While our grandparents’ homes are always welcoming, it’s likely your grandma who was busy in the kitchen, topping up cuppas and making sure everyone was comfortable and happy.
This leads us back to the issue of men’s third spaces. In a society like ours, where drinking culture reigns supreme, men are drawn to the pub as a place of solace and community. This not only encourages binge drinking but also isolates those who don’t drink. We’ve all been in the pub at that time of night when the mood shifts and merriment turns to aggression, with fights breaking out in the street.
But where else can men go?
I asked on Instagram for people to share their third spaces, and quite a few lads mentioned gyms and climbing walls. Exercise is obviously great for our mental and physical health, and choosing to do it in a community space like this - even if you don’t know anyone at first - is a really smart move. However, these places aren’t free. Even the cheapest gym is setting you back £15 a month, and I’d argue that the places with the best community spirit are those with higher costs, like Crossfit gyms and martial arts studios.
We already know that male mental health is deteriorating in this country. Suicide remains the leading cause of death for men under 50. There are a lot of elements at play here, and I wouldn’t want to oversimplify a highly complex issue, but the lack of third spaces for men is surely a contributing factor to the loneliness that many men feel.
It’s not all doom and gloom for blokes, as there’s been a rise of free groups that promote open, honest conversation with a dose of fresh air. Here in the Northeast, a community interest project called Iceguys hosts sea swims and mental health chats in several spots along our beautiful coastline.
There’s also Andy’s Man Club, a national organisation that holds support groups every Monday at 7 pm at various locations across the country, encouraging men to come together and talk about what’s on their minds.
I asked my husband Craig for a little input here, as he runs an MMA class and also attends a local Warhammer club; perhaps one of the best examples I’ve seen of a third space where men can find support and community without the pressures of drinking.
He said:
“I can’t speak for all men, but I feel like the pressures of masculinity can often stifle our ability to pursue passions, hobbies and interests that aren’t directly ‘productive’ in a way that work or family life is. This leads to men being unable to express their passions, locking their worries away and feeling bereft of activity outside of their daily routine. Third spaces, like Ellen mentions, are integral to providing us with a brief adventure away from my existing worries.
“When I go to the gym (meaning a martial arts class, I get bored lifting weights), I’m entering a temporary bubble where all I have to think about is the training and the team members I’m with. When I’m playing Warhammer, I’m focused on rules and dice rolls, invested in the shared fantasy of the game.
“Though these hobbies are very different, they offer a commonality. Both of these hobbies take place in third spaces where I’m meeting and talking to other men - with our conversation and friendship founded around the anchor of a shared interest. It’s not like trying to chat to your mate’s mate in a pub, only to find out you’ve got nothing in common or, shudder, they follow far right-wing politics.
“Third spaces predicate a shared interest in the thing the space is for. It gives us a common thread to hold onto, but this thread can be expanded outwards - from a shared love for MMA or Warhammer to discussions about mental health, daily life, parenting etc.
“Men often feel like we’ve got a certain set of rules to uphold and live by. A way we have to behave. Finding a third space that’s founded around an interest of yours helps cut away these barriers and give us access to likeminded people. You might not get on with everyone, there are still bad eggs in good groups - but you’ll almost certainly find it a far easier environment in which to reclaim some of your own passion and initiative for pursuing what you enjoy.
“So to anyone reading this, but particularly to men who often keep our worries quiet and feel locked into life without the means to express ourselves or admit we struggle, finding a third space that you feel comfortable in is a wonderful thing. It might be scary to step that first foot through the door, but I promise you it’s worth it.”
The commodification of third spaces
While there are some fantastic free and affordable third spaces popping up nationwide, these are still very much in the minority. Most places that we go still require investment, whether that’s through entry frees, membership or travel costs.
If a third space has a high barrier to entry, does it really qualify? Oldenberg said third spaces should be “neutral ground” and, as a result, people shouldn’t feel excluded based on their social status or background.
Unfortunately, living in a capitalist society means that third spaces have become commodified. Coffee shops are great, but you must spend money and can’t linger too long. We’ve already talked about the expense of gyms and other fitness facilities.
A third space should be the beating heart of a community. A place where everyone is on even ground and conversation can thrive. You should see both familiar faces, and new ones. The whole experience should be both accessible and accommodating.
In my experience as the parent of a toddler, the library is the only place where you can go and sit with no pressure to spend money or leave within a certain time. That’s probably why we go twice a week, and will continue to support our amazing local libraries to keep them open for generations to come.
Do you have a third place? If you’re looking for ideas, here are some examples from my Instagram followers.
Not sure if it would count but... for my mental break time, I head outdoors, fresh air and trees 🫡
Climbing wall!
My stand up comedy class!
Countryside walks with walking groups 🥾 great for networking and for your mental health
Square Roots - our weekly trip to a safe vegan haven as a household - with familiar friendly faces
Coffee shop to people watch & get away & aerials classes but those dont classify cos they're spenny
Charity shop, I can't go a week without popping in for a browse
I never thought I’d be that person, but does the gym count?
The stables!
Coffee shops and bookshops/libraries and the steam room 🧖🏼♀️
My aerial studio because I think about neither work nor home problems while there 😂
Kith & Kin obvs...used to be football grounds too. Both have ritual, routine, familiar faces
Let me know your third space in the comments below. Don’t have one? Tell me what you wish you had and we might find something for you!
In the true spirit of this email, I’ve spent most of this rainy week at home working, at the library, running outdoors or in the gym. Thankfully, our little one never seems to get bored of her books, and the library is a short walk from the best local coffee shops, so it’s a win-win for me and her.
Other things I’ve enjoyed this week include:
The Herd by Emily Edwards - An engaging litfic novel about two mothers with differing opinions of vaccines and the aftermath of an unexpected outbreak.
One Day (Netflix) - When I heard they were remaking this David Nicholls novel again, but this time into a series, I wasn’t sure if there was much more that could be done. However, the show’s structure really lends itself to the storytelling, and the characters are just as complex and interesting this time around.
That’s all from me this week, remember you have another couple of weeks to read the full back catalogue before I turn on paid subscriptions.
So, from March, I will be launching a paid subscription - for just £4 a month, you will get:
Access to the full back catalogue (currently free to browse, but I will be locking this next month).
My monthly Touching Grass email with book, podcast, TV and film recommendations (free preview of last month’s here)
With even just a small amount of income, I will be able to dedicate more time to growing the newsletter and writing more personal essays and interviews for your reading pleasure.
Thanks for reading!
Ellen x
Absolutely loved this, Ellen! And love that we have been thinking along the same lines (I also wrote about dwindling third spaces last month!) — it's scary to realize just how few third spaces exist anymore.
I also really appreciated the insight and exploration about men's third spaces — I've only realized after reading that most existing third spaces prioritize children & women and while they do need to have a safe space, we also need to establish similar spaces for men.
Great read!