You can't have it all
And it's not your fault
I try to avoid writing too much about parenthood as I know it’s not a universal experience; however, when I saw the Lily Allen interview in which she mentioned that having children “ruined her career”, I couldn’t let that pass by without taking a closer look.
On the Radio Times Podcast last week, Lily said:
“My children ruined my career."
"I love them, and they complete me, but in terms of popstardom, they totally ruined it,"
Obviously, this was said in a tongue-in-cheek manner, but the tabloids have jumped on it, and there have even been a good few op-ed pieces about whether a working mother can really “have it all.”
The first issue is that she clearly doesn’t mean that her children themselves ruined anything; it was their existence and the way becoming a mother switched her media persona, along with several other factors, that cut short her stint in the music industry.
Motherhood is the only all-consuming and unpaid job in the world, and you’re not allowed to complain about it because you chose this. This has certainly been felt in the public responses to Lily’s off-handed comments, and, of course, she does come from a position of privilege that likely meant she had childcare from an early age.
Imagine trying to assemble an extremely complex jigsaw, but the pieces are constantly changing shape, you get no breaks, you can’t afford to have anyone take over, and you permanently have a runny nose. That’s basically parenting in 2024.
It seems to me like people just don’t want to hear about the reality of motherhood.
As a result, new parents enter this world expecting something unattainable. When I was pregnant, I’d regularly say such bonkers things as: “I’ll probably go back to work after three months,” “I’ll just work through naptimes,” and “The baby will probably just come with us everywhere we go; things won’t change that much.”
Oh, how wrong I was.
And, speaking to other new parents in my first 20 months of motherhood, I’ve now learned I am not alone.
Those from older generations struggle to acknowledge the pressures of being a millennial parent because they “made do." But for our parents and grandparents, the balance of labour was completely different. We know that over 75% of UK mothers are in work—a 20-year high, compared to just 50% in 1975.
And yet, studies show women are still doing more unpaid labour in the home, and almost half of women are doing 45 hours of unpaid childcare a week.
It goes without saying that the problem is systemic, and the attitudes of those who hit back with retorts such as “Well, you chose to have them!” are coming from a place of ignorance rather than true bitterness.
I’ve written before about the millennial vs. boomer debate and how often the younger generation is hit with the notion that we should “get on with it” because they did. But, the data shows that many of them didn’t face the same struggles as us (although they did, obviously, have different challenges). Typically, previous generations had cheaper childcare, more supportive family networks and higher paternal wages, so fewer of that generation needed to work.
Of course, everyone should be allowed to work, and many women of our mother’s and grandmother’s generation did want to work, but were unable to because of childcare duties, sexism in the workplace and gender labour gaps.
As with all aspects of feminism, the power is in having the choice. Perhaps past generations didn’t work because they had no choice, and now we have no choice but to work… and even then, we can’t afford the childcare necessary to be able to work. And that’s before you even take into account the subject of having a second (or third) child or accessing the government’s mandated ‘free hours’.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, and yet so many of us are trying to start and grow our families in silos. In Matresence, Dr Lucy Jones discusses how, in the West, we love the idea of attachment parenting - which is rooted in indigenous cultures - but we don’t have systematic and societal support to be able to successfully enact such a way of life. As a result, we have a whole generation of mothers who feel guilty for letting their kid watch TV, sleep training, not co-sleeping, formula feeding or any other activity not seen as ‘ideal’ by gentle parenting fanatics. Thus perpetuating the guilt cycle that so many of us millennial mothers find ourselves stuck in.
Sometimes, I am hesitant to write about motherhood because I often feel like there’s nothing left to say. What am I adding to the conversation that hasn’t already been said, probably much more succinctly, by Pregnant Then Screwed or Mother Pukka? I suppose if we, as working mothers, don’t share our experiences and, ultimately, our struggles, we can’t hope for people to understand and work alongside us to fight for change.
As a mother in 2024, there’s really no winning. So, in many ways, Lily Allen is right.
Having a child or children is probably going to ruin (even if temporarily) at least one aspect of your pre-parent life that you hold dearly — and for many, this will be their careers. It could also be your hobbies, your relationship or your friendships. But, obviously quoted off-the-cuff, the pop star doesn’t mean that her children ruined anything, but the system in which she is raising them is inherently flawed. There’s only so much we can do as individuals to effect change, and that’s why we must fight for a fairer world for mothers and all parents raising children in 2024.
Here’s some further reading on this topic from other parents who write:
- There’s No Secret Option C - Happy Happy "Women Work Here!" Day - How to Balance Motherhood and Business?
Last weekend, I took half a day off childcare and headed down to Tynemouth Market for a wander with Potter. Even though he should be slowing down in his eleventh year, Potter is still raring to go and dragged me down to the cobbles by the Fish Quay. This was the first day I really felt the sun on my skin. There’s really nothing a few lung fulls of sea air can’t fix.
Other things I’ve enjoyed this week include:
📚 The Sunlit Man by Brandon Sanderson - Back on my Sando BS, I dipped into the fourth of the prolific fantasy writer’s secret projects; this one is a companion to his Stormlight Archive series (my favourite fantasy series of all time). Obviously, it didn’t disappoint and has definitely reignited my love of fantasy fiction.
📚 Topographia Hibernica by Blindboy Boatclub - Blindboy’s latest short story collection is straight out of Inside No 9. A series of bizarre and often devastating tales that I will definitely return to - Pamela Fags and Covert Japes are two stand-outs for me.
That’s all from me this week,
See you next week for more thoughts on mental health for the chronically online.
Ellen x
Hi Ellen, thank you so much for this post. I had exactly the same feelings and thoughts when I saw the news headlines about Lily Allen and how much she was criticised for what she said (and how literally her words were taken!). However, as you wrote, her words really invite us to have an open and honest discussion about the costs of motherhood.