I'm writing this from my phone as I'm currently trapped under the weight of a toddler with a temperature, watching The Wiggles for the hundredth time today.
Old McDonald had a farm
So it's been a bit of a rubbish week, if I'm honest. Not least because our daughter is unwell (thankfully, with just a virus, we have to wait out), but also because I got a penalty notice letter for using my mobile phone while driving last week.
Ee-i-ee-i-oh
What a cock-up.
Why did I do that?
I've since cross-referenced the time of the alleged incident, and I was definitely stuck at a red light, pressing play on a nursery rhyme compilation to appease my tired toddler in the back seat.
Where is Thumbkin?
Obviously, it's illegal to use your phone while driving. It was a mistake and a stupid one.
I have a habit of feeling like everything is a NOW problem. I rush everywhere. I get edgy when my daughter is upset. I am already thinking of the next task before one is done.
I like to eat eat eat apples and bananas
Why is it that, no matter how hard I work to become a more mindful person or how much effort I put into ‘slow living’, I still let the pressure of life get to me?
My daughter's virus couldn't have been more poorly timed. She goes to nursery two days a week and, this week, she'll miss them both. We pay regardless of whether she goes and, as a cherry on top, we can't both work while she's at home. So, two sick days typically cost a couple of hundred quid.
Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain
Fortunately, we can share the workload and parenting tasks between us. But we don't have anyone else on hand to take the reins.
I get frustrated when I can't work. In the same way that I do stupid things like touching my phone while driving, I am genuinely gutted when she can't go to nursery. I love every second I spend with her, but I also look forward to those days at nursery where I can just work and live as a separate person. Does this make me a bad parent?
The guilt of admitting such things is hard, and no one has said it better than
in her newsletter from last year about how kids are actually quite boring
The wheels on the bus go round and round
So, this newsletter has turned into a bit of a confessional as I feel pretty bloody guilty about my recent actions.
The penalty notice, my doomscrolling to numb the boredom of watching the same Mr Tumble video for the third time this week, my toddler's intimate familiarity with every single song Miss Rachel sings, my inability to cook a meal from scratch today… it's all piling up.
Hey diddle diddle
If the cow can jump over the moon, then I can forgive myself. Easier said than done.
P.S. All of the headings in this newsletter were dictated by whatever nursery rhyme The Wiggles were singing at the time of writing.
Last week, before the storm of the virus, I took myself to the cinema to see Femme - a relatively small-budget indie flick. It’s about a drag queen who takes revenge following a homophobic attack. Millennials like me will remember star Nathan Stewart-Jarrett from Channel 4’s Misfits. A really dark and tense film, this one. Worth watching when it comes to streaming.
Other things I've enjoyed include…
📺 The Curse (Paramount+) - I have no idea if you can say I'm enjoying this show as it's so incredibly cringe. Last night, Craig asked, “When will this end?” … Think Scott’s Tots on steroids.
📚 Good Material by Dolly Alderton - Not her best, but still a good read.
That's all from me this week folks,
I have a very exciting interview lined up for next week, so subscribe to get that in your inbox on Thursday morning!
Ellen x
Could have written this myself, Ellen. From a ‘rushing everywhere NOW problem’ perspective and also because our childcare situation / no one to take the reins exactly align. Sending strength and support!
I feel your pain! The guilt of finding these amazing little people challenging or boring from time to time really gets to me and makes me feel like an awful person, and I too feel more stressed by things going wrong than I ever expected I would. I take everything so personally. Then I beat myself up about it afterwards for not being "able to cope" - even though I obviously am coping, every single hour of every day. I still struggle with balancing his needs and my own, so mine inevitably fall by the wayside more often than I'd like and I wonder why my reserves are depleted. But bloody hell, when it's good, it's great. Think I need to get "this too shall pass" tattooed on my forearm!