We came back from holiday early

Why I'm struggling right now

Not only did I take an impromptu week off this newsletter, but I am also darkening your inbox on a Thursday afternoon rather than my usual morning slot. For all of that, I can only apologise. Quite honestly, I’ve been struggling.

As the title suggests, we’ve been on holiday. We went away for a few days to a caravan park, but we came home early because, basically, I couldn’t cope. This is one of those weeks where I could easily ignore my own internal turmoil and choose a more generic topic to write about, but that’s not what this newsletter is about.

You all signed up to receive a weekly email in which I basically pour my heart out, press send, and then ignore that it ever happened. So here it goes.

Anyway, back to our holiday.

I have never been particularly good away from home. I can’t remember if I’ve shared this story before (it’s been four years of writing this!), but one of the most notable occasions of me returning home with my tail between my legs was when I bailed on my university year abroad within in a few weeks of touching down in Barcelona. There were so many factors contributing to my failure here; most notably, I was working a 60-hour week at a very well-known hotel chain for 200€ a month pay and no benefits. I stood all day in a hotel lobby, mostly speaking English, and therefore, not improving my Spanish skills whatsoever.

This took place in 2011— a time before social media felt like a safe place to meet people. I didn’t know anyone in the city, and had no idea how to find others like me. I was also quite unwell with IBS, and the added stress of this meant I struggled to stray far from my apartment. All in all, I called it quits and flew home in time to start my final year of uni without the necessary linguistic skills (and somehow I still bagged a 2:1?).

I have always been the person to leave the situation first. I would skip out on sleepovers as a child, and even in my late teens, I’d prefer to hop on the last metro home rather than stay out until the lights came on in the club. Throughout my life, I’ve felt bad for this behaviour. Like it was somehow a character flaw that my social battery didn’t last as long as others, or that I was overwhelmed in situations where others thrive.

As an adult, especially in my thirties, I have become a lot more comfortable with who I am. I don’t really care if I’m the first to leave, and I don’t mind missing out on something if I know I will struggle. But this little caravan holiday caught me by surprise. It came after a busy few weeks, with the Edinburgh Half Marathon, a packed work schedule, a trip to Glasgow, and a few evenings out all piling up against each other. This holiday was supposed to be relaxing, but with a toddler and two dogs in tow, it’s very difficult to switch off at all.

I’m actually starting to find that I need to reframe holidays in general. A holiday isn’t necessarily going to be relaxing, especially while we have a young child. Not least due to the packing, washing, shopping, and other jobs that lead up to the trip but also because my own tolerance for certain situations leaves a lot to be desired.

I still struggle with my own internal judgement here. I feel as though I should be able to just go somewhere, drink a few beers, dance the night away, and rock up at the pool the next day. But, in reality, packing knocks me sick, alcohol makes me anxious, I’m overstimulated in the disco, can’t sleep in the bed, and want to die when my feet are still wet in my socks after a dip in the too-cold pool.

I haven’t delved too deeply into my sensory issues in this newsletter before because, quite frankly, I don’t like to complain. And also, I have been living with some of these issues for so long that I genuinely thought it was normal.

I know that many people live with debilitating problems that everything being a bit too loud for me isn’t really the same. But that being said, it takes a lot out of me doing these things that I personally find difficult (being near other people eating, going in public pools, hearing too-loud music, sleeping in an unfamiliar bed).

Previously, I have probably coped a lot better because I was only taking care of myself. But now I am a parent, my own needs always come second to those of my child, and, as a result, I end up in situations where I am stressed and uncomfortable, and often don’t even realise until the anxiety and fatigue hit hours or even days later.

So, I can’t sit here and say, “Be kind to yourself,” when I am struggling with that very thing. In all honesty, I am frustrated at myself. I don’t like that I now have to wear earplugs to the cinema, or that I have to wear a specific thickness of socks to sleep, or that when I eat meals with other people, the sound of them eating sends me west.

These are all things I would change about myself if I could. But equally, I know deep down that these things won’t change, if anything they might get worse as I get older, so I need to work on implementing coping mechanisms now, or the excess will spill out of the sides— and that’s exactly what happened on this trip. I am the reason we came back early, and while Craig was accommodating, he didn’t want to let people down. Letting people down is something I have to do to preserve my own mental health sometimes, and I am (very slowly) coming to terms with that now.

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Stuff you should read, like, now.

A quick section to promote some fantastic pieces from fellow Substackers:

Nia

is talking about negative attitudes towards children, in particular in public spaces, and why it’s become cool to “hate kids”.

When did it become cool to hate kids?

And

Nicola Muthurangu-Hall

has returned to our feeds with this beautiful piece about her post-Japan comedown.

Lessons to learn from Japan

📺 Inside No.9 (BBC) One of the greatest shows of all time has come to an end. The series finale was pure self-indulgent fan service, and I loved it. If you’ve never watched this show, then you have been missing out. It’s a fantastic anthology series on par with Black Mirror.

📺 Bridgerton (Netflix) - The second half of the latest series has dropped! I have my qualms with this show in general (I preferred Queen Charlotte) but it’s the perfect escapism for me and my fragile brain right now.

🎥 Challengers - Still watching this film all the time. I don’t even like tennis. Send help.

That’s all from me, see you next week when I will hopefully be making a bit more sense!

Ellen x