Women who hate women

Deep dive into the growing culture of female misogynists

Ever since I wrote about the crazy reaction to the allegations against Russell Brand, I’ve noticed this strange phenomenon more and more.

The ‘comedian’ has now been demonetised by YouTube and moved most of his inane ramblings to Rumble, a video platform that has attracted many right-wing content creators in recent years.

While I do agree with deplatforming creators like Brand who are actively causing harm, the risk of doing so is that they can become martyrs to their cause. And this is where his adoring fans come in.

Even on the original YouTube video he released just hours before the Dispatches documentary aired, the comments sections was awash with supporters - many of whom appear to be women - professing their undying support for Brand.

Dozens, if not hundreds, of women are quick to defend a man against whom there are several evidence-based allegations of sexual abuse. And, in some ways even more worryingly, they are more than happy to shift the blame onto other women.

A quick scroll of the Facebook comments section under an article about Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas’ recent split will reveal similar attitudes of misogyny from female users.

This isn’t just a phenomenon in the world of celebrity, either. A study by the Royal Society published in 2013 concluded that women have evolved to be ‘indirectly aggressive.’ This cattiness, or bitchiness even, starts in school - or even earlier.

While young boys are more likely to face the threat of physical violence at school, girls are battling unfavourable rumours, leading to loneliness and exclusion. Although boys are still more likely to be victims of bullying in school, is this a true representation of the picture? Or is it that we need to redefine ‘bullying’ to include the more indirect abuse facing young girls at school, and then later at work.

Even anecdotally, the worst working environments I have ever been in have been (mostly) orchestrated by women. Hushed talk of Slimming World and layers of gossip meant that if you didn’t fit the cookie-cutter mould to be like them, then you were prey.

Not like other girls

The competitive nature of being a women in modern society has led to women clearly separating themselves from others.

“I'm not like other girls” girls, or NLOGs, are a subgroup of women who would rather have male friends and seek male validation than have any solidarity or common ground with other women. The concept of NLOG hangs on the idea that women are inherently ‘basic’ and extends to many aspects of femininity.

The true irony of NLOG is that women are often drawn to these attitudes in order to separate themselves from the bitchiness synonymous with groups of women, and by doing so they are perpetuating the division and judgement that they are actively fighting against.

This need to compete with, and ultimately attack, other women, comes from our innate desire to be included. Or, in the case of NLOGs, we exclude ourselves to lessen the pain of others doing it for us.

So, how did we get to a place where women are actively being grouped with their own gender? Well, guys… I hate to say it. But it's the big P.

Patriarchy.

Women who hate other women do so because they too, are victims of the patriarchy. We are seeing this unfold in real-time in Married at First Sight UK on Channel 4 as newly-weds Brad and Shona have hit a rocky patch in their lustful relationship. This has been caused after other couples raised concerns about Brad's dominating behaviour towards his wife.

You don't have to be a so-called relationship expert to see that Shona is being taken for a ride here, with Brad acting out the Andrew Tate playbook one chapter at a time.

Yet what concerns me the most is the divide amongst the other female contestants and how only a few seem to acknowledge that Shona is a victim of a cruel man's manipulative behaviour. She is called naïve and immature, while her partner (who has gaslit her on prime time telly) has so far only been checked by ONE other male contestant.

Like Sophie Turner and Brand’s victims, it's easier to blame Shona for “not seeing it coming” or “not leaving” than it is to make these men take accountability for their actions.

And why would a woman leave a man if even their own female peers are putting the blame on them?

What we can do

The answer seems obvious, but it’s far from easy to achieve. If you are a woman reading this, consider your attitudes towards the other women in your life. Do you often blame them for not standing up to their partners? And how often to you talk behind their backs?

If this issue spoke to you, then please consider leaving a comment or replying to me direct - I’d love to chat!

Further reading

• Laura Bates’ excellent book Men Who Hate Women explores the subcategories of men who actively enforce extreme misogyny. Bates discusses incel culture, pick-up artists and other extremist communities that have made a name for themselves in fighting for the reduction of women’s rights.

• Camille Charriere in Harpers Bazaar: “Female misogyny is a problem, let's address it”

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A new section to Conversations By The Sea brings together some of the highlights of my week in the offline world. Here are some things I’ve enjoyed when I switched off…

📕Ordinary Human Failings by Megan Nolan - New release from the wonderful author behind ‘Acts of Desperation’

🎧 Sara and Cariad’s Weirdo Book Club - New podcast from Sara Pascoe and Cariad Lloyd discussing some of the hottest books of recent years, including I’m a Fan, Really Good Actually and Freshwater.

🌱I couldn’t quite reach the grass, but I did successfully walk three dogs with a baby on my back. So, that was big win for me.

That’s all from me this week,

See you next Thursday for more of the same.

Ellen x