I want to start off with a huge thank you to everyone who read last week’s very vulnerable newsletter about coming home from holiday early. I didn’t wake up intending to share something so personal, but the replies flooding in made it all worth it. If you missed it, you can read it here.
We got rejected
A couple of months ago, we were invited to bid for a project. We made it to the last two suppliers, but we didn't win the job.
Obviously, I was disappointed. As with any bid, I put my heart and soul into the pitch. I'm also very confident about what we do, and that we are really bloody good at it. And with little-to-no practical feedback, it was hard to work out why we didn't get picked.
Since then, we have actually picked up another client with whom we are even more excited to work. A brand that aligns closely with our values, and one that makes a real difference to the lives of many people.
Winning that latter project is part of why I am writing about the initial rejection now and not when it first happened.
Even after five years of running my own business, I still take rejection personally. This has nothing to do with the client, it's all on me.
There are so many reasons why people take rejection at work so personally. Without psychoanalysing myself too much, I suspect it has something to do with the pride I take in my work. I put a lot of myself into it, so when it is rejected, it can be hard to differentiate between which parts are me and which are the project. I could always not do that, but then I don’t think the work would be as good.
While I recognise it's not healthy to take every rejection personally, I do think it can be beneficial to have skin in the game. It's how you process rejection and what you do next that truly matters.
When you initially get rejected for a job application or don't win a bid, it's okay to feel angry and frustrated. But once the dust settles, you have to think about what you are taking from this experience.
Take responsibility for the role you played
You have to be gentle with yourself here, but it's worth looking at the rejection from an outside perspective, or even asking for feedback. Is there something you could have done differently? Take this into your next bid.
It's probably not about you
There are so many reasons why clients appoint suppliers, and often, it has less to do with the pitch than it does with the rapport they form. You will know yourself that some clients just get you and those are almost always the ones that stick with you for the long haul.
There's something else around the corner
I am absolutely not a spiritual or even superstitious person. However, I have found that a rejection is never the end of your story. Within days of losing the original project, we received an invitation to pitch for another. If we had won the first, we wouldn't have had the capacity to take on the latter and give it the care and attention it deserves. At the risk of sounding all icky about it, it was meant to be.
Rejection and ADHD
Rejection sensitivity is actually a common symptom of neurodivergence. Regular readers will know that my husband Craig has written about his ADHD in this newsletter before, but he didn't really touch on this little-known characteristic. I asked him to contribute his own insight into rejection and why it can be hard for people with ADHD to process it. Here's what he had to say:
Rejection eats at me like nothing else in my life. I hold on to negative remarks people made about me in school, nearly 20 years later. I push people with my jokes or my devil's advocate nature and then panic when I actually tip them over into being upset or angry at me and scramble desperately to win them back over. Because the alternative, to have someone reject or be disappointed in me, is too painful to bear.
When it's something I've created, like a piece for work, there's an added level of panic whenever I send stuff off to clients. As soon as I open my creative efforts to any type of opinion or feedback, I've exposed a vital part of myself. A hidden, secret hope that lives inside me that wants to be enjoyed and appreciated - but now suddenly faces the judgement of another person.
And that judgement, no matter how small, can be the difference between a good day and bad. It can, in some cases, be the push that sends me spiralling into a depression where I'm no good at my job, a terrible writer and I'm going to end up on the streets because why would anyone pay me if I can't even do this right...
You get the idea. Rejection, for me, isn't some obstacle that can be passed. It's an anchor that ties itself to my ambitions and drags them back down.
The only thing I'm very proud of is that I never let my rejection sensitivity prevent me from taking a chance. I walked into an MMA gym as a clueless teenager who'd been bullied in school. I tried spoken word poetry to see if I could do it. I went travelling even though I'm scared of flying.
Rejection sensitivity can't define me. It lives with me and is a part of me, but like anything else I'm learning to deal with it.
I can't be everyone's friend. I won't always get flawless feedback. Nobody wins every time. But I can't let that stop me from giving it a go anyway. What else is there to do? Give up?
I reject that.
This week I went to Atomicon, a huge annual sales and marketing conference that takes place here in the North East. I’ve noticed the event gaining traction over the last few years, so I figured I would give it a go, as I knew many of my freelance friends would be in attendance. The event itself wasn’t really my cup of tea. Although there were a few really good talks, the overall vibe of the day was a little ✨live laugh love✨ for me. I am glad I went, as I got to meet some of my internet pals, but I don’t think I’ll be back at this specific event in a hurry.
Other things I’ve enjoyed this week include:
📺 Lost Boys and Fairies (BBC) - Fantastic drama about a gay couple who are hoping to adopt their first child. Grab the tissues, this is a sad one.
📺 The Boys (S4 - Prime) - The dystopian superhero show is back, and it’s just as chaotically disgusting as ever.
📖 Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors - The author of Cleopatra and Frankenstein is back with another lit-fic novel; however, unlike the previous, this one really lives up to the hype. I was even hesitant about trying this book as I didn’t love C&F, but the good reviews encouraged me to dip in, and I am glad I did. This is a story of sisterhood and breaking intergenerational trauma. I highly recommend it.
That’s all from me this week, see you next Thursday for more of the same.
Ellen x
💌 About this email
I’m Ellen, and I write about mental health for the chronically online. I am a freelance copywriter, strategist and web designer, and I work from home with my husband, Craig, at Content By The Sea. We have two rescue greyhounds, Potter and Harmony, and a toddler.
I started this newsletter in March 2020 and have sent over 170 emails; currently, I have over 1,200 subscribers. I write about a wide variety of topics, including diet culture, my love of running, jealousy, my life falling apart, mam guilt, and this dystopian world we all live in.
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A fascinating insight into the psychology of rejection from the perspective of non-neurodivergent and neurodivergent people. As usual the latter have to work twice as hard as those of us who take rejection in our stride. When I was pricing tenders for construction works, it was all about numbers, but the feeling was the same when the two-line email or letter arrived, especially with no feedback. The "F" word is important in enabling us to improve our chances of winning the next job and the standard of that bid.
It's a great addition from Craig. I appreciate the difficulties of neurodivergence, having my son-in-law and several friends dealing with it, successfully, and speaking with such eloquence.
This is a great read and what I really needed this week. I also love your feedback about Atomicon - I've often wondered about it but I know it isn't my vibe.