Coping mechanisms

There are none

I’ve been staring at this blank page for ages.

I usually have a vague idea about what I am going to write about, and I kind of do here, but sometimes I have to balance what I want to write about with what I can mentally cope with.

Coping.

That’s actually the topic I wanted to talk about.

Over the weekend, I said to my friend: “I’m not really coping.”

Coping with what, you are probably wondering.

Like… everything?

Parenting, running a business, being a wife, being a daughter, being a human being who functions in society.

I don’t feel like I am coping very well, or maybe at all, but is it possible to just stop coping? What would that even look like?

Growing up, I was always seen as the ‘coper’—it went unsaid (and said a few times) that I would be okay with whatever life threw at me. This notion is commonly described as ‘eldest daughter syndrome’, although, in my case, I am actually the youngest child.

While not a scientifically proven diagnosis, ‘eldest daughter syndrome’ is typically associated with girls who grew up shouldering an intense sense of responsibility, particularly regarding the emotions of those around them. This creates women who are hyper-sensitive to ‘keeping the peace’ while also being neglected when it comes to their own needs.

I am not saying I identify with all of this, although loud alarm bells are ringing.

In particular, the idea that certain people (often women) are left to get on with things. We can make it work. Why? Because we always do, and because no one else will.

But if we live like this, are we ignoring our limitations? How can we ever know if we have hit them? Is this what happens when we get ill… is it our bodies telling us to slow down? Well, it doesn’t work for most of us, as we just keep going anyway.

My own mother never stopped until she actually died, and I don’t want to be that person… but I can see that being a logical trajectory. I am not experienced with stopping, standing still, or simply asking for help.

A conversation that starts with “I’m not really coping” is uncharted territory for me, so maybe I am making progress after all?

Nice things to read this week

Since this week’s newsletter is slightly shorter than normal, I’ve included a few links to other pieces written this week to whet your appetite for great content.

• A Novel Solution | Ed Callow
  has written about the ongoing discussions around mental health, benefits and how much responsibility the government can (and should) take.

• Nicola Muthurangu-Hall
  has written about the demise of ‘feminist’ icon Gwen Stefani

• Michelle | Specky Scribbler
  has written about the term ‘female founder’ among other things.

• Arlen Pettitt
  has written about how more people in the North East are working for their poverty, and he is also looking for SEN parents with experience of suspensions for a joint project.

• Laura Writes
  has joined the dark side and posted her first Substack newsletter.

Here are some things I've enjoyed over the last week:

🎥Grand Theft Hamlet (MUBI) - Documentary made during the pandemic by two out-of-work actors who attempt to put on a production of Hamlet entirely inside Grand Theft Auto. So funny, I loved this.

📺Last One Laughing (Prime) - Comedians come together for six hours and aren’t allowed to laugh. This is surprisingly hilarious, it had us crying.

Ellen x

💌 About this email

I’m Ellen, and I write about mental health for the chronically online. I am a freelance copywriter, strategist and web designer, and I work from home with my husband, Craig, at Content By The Sea. We have two rescue greyhounds, Potter and Harmony, and a toddler.

I started this newsletter in March 2020 and have sent over 200(!) emails; currently, I have over 1,300 subscribers. I write about a wide variety of topics, including diet culture, my love of running, jealousy, my life falling apart, mam guilt, and this dystopian world we all live in.

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