"He probably has a little crush"

Boys behaving badly

The topic of toxic masculinity in young boys has been sitting in my drafts for months. I have felt intimidated by even starting to explore the subject matter… but then a new show forced this into the limelight. So, here it goes…

Everyone is watching Adolescence on Netflix. The four-part one-shot drama was written by Stephen Graham and Jack Thorne, and tells the story of a 13-year-old boy who is accused of murdering a female classmate. The show is far more than a murder mystery (that’s answered in the first episode). Instead, it’s a deep exploration of masculinity, parenting, internet culture, and the manosphere.

My experience

When I was the same age as our protagonist Jamie, I had a few experiences with male peers that have stuck with me. I struggled to fit in, especially with the girls, so I often gravitated towards the lads who shared my love of nerd culture, like Doctor Who and early internet memes.

If you are Gen Z reading this, then the following section might not make any sense. We did not have smartphones. So, all communication would occur in person, and then later in the evening via the ✨family computer✨.

This sprouted a very rudimentary version of cyberbullying, which included things like adding everyone you know to a MSN Messenger chat and then blaming someone else, or asking out a crush to then counter rejection with “sorry that was my friend.”

I faced some very low-level cyberbullying that must have bothered me at the time, but it’s laughable looking back. One lad, whom I considered a friend, would edit Wikipedia articles to include my personal information, my parents’ names, my address, etc. Obviously, the edits wouldn’t last long, as even then the Wikipedia editors were pretty efficient, but I didn’t like it.

I also didn’t really understand why he was doing this, because I was one of the only people who was nice to him, and definitely the only girl.

Eventually, my mam must have contacted the school to say it was upsetting me (see this earlier issue about her being my advocate), as I was pulled into the Head of Year’s office to discuss the behaviour.

He told me, "Sometimes when girls talk to boys like him, they might miscontrue it as attention. He is probably acting this way because he has a crush on you. It would be best to just back off from being his friend.”

Is Ralph Wiggum the original incel?

Right, so somehow it was my fault?

There was another situation which I won’t detail too much, but it involved a very young lad threatening suicide when I rejected his advances on MSN.

I know most women reading this will have examples of these situations. Ones in which they have rejected a man, or boy, and faced the consequences. Fortunately for me, this never got violent or even remotely dangerous, but that’s the exact scenario that played out in Netflix’s Adolescence.

Spoilers for the show coming now…

In the third episode, we learn that Jamie, our 13-year-old lead, was rejected by his victim. We understand that Jamie was not popular with girls, but he saw an opportunity to ask Katie out after she was the victim of revenge porn. He figured her self-esteem would be low, and she might feel flattered by his attention.

This part is integral to the teachings of manosphere leader Andrew Tate. In the War Room, Tate’s boys club, they teach desperate men how to create a power imbalance that makes their female targets more vulnerable to advances. This isn’t just about dating; it goes as far as manipulating women into subservience and even sex work.

Older viewers might be shocked that Jamie has access to this media at such a young age, but I was not. Nor was I shocked that his parents had absolutely no idea what he was doing online. They didn’t even know his phone passcode.

Back in the early 00s, there were still acts of abusive behaviour, albeit less frequently, via the internet. Early web cams made revenge porn possible, and chatrooms like Omegle and Chat Roulette allowed us children to speak to adults all over the world.

The chicken or the egg?

At uni, the childish behaviour stopped, but the misogyny did not. I was groped in clubs, stalked by a ‘friend’ and generally made to feel like I was always responsible for how men were behaving.

Determining the origin of this behaviour isn’t easy. It would be easy to blame Andrew Tate, who is obviously scum. But I have seen aggression and violence towards women and girls from rejected men for years, and I am sure this dates back generations.

While watching Adolescence, I couldn’t help but notice the nuance of male relationships. Jamie’s Dad, Eddie, is a hard-working business owner. He was on-call the night of the murder, and was shocked to hear his son had any part in such a violent act.

However, we do learn from Jamie himself that Eddie, likely through no fault of his own, perhaps failed his son in a few subtle ways. I am in no way saying that Eddie could have prevented the murder. It’s less straightforward than that.

One line in episode three really struck a chord with me. Jamie’s psychologist asks him, “Is your dad loving?” Without missing a beat, he responds with, “That would be weird.”

So, while all viewers can probably agree that Eddie is a good dad who tries his best, he still lacks something which I think many young lads are missing in their formative years: the ability to show vulnerability and, therefore, genuine affection to his son.

I am sure, like many men in their early 50s and beyond, Eddie shows Jamie he loves him in myriad different ways. But if young boys do not see their male elders being vulnerable, how will they ever know to ask for help?

Like that male teacher who told me my friend’s behaviour was probably a little crush… he was essentially saying:

“Boys will be boys.”

When I first became a parent, I thought that phrase had died out. In reality, I still hear it all the time. The boisterous boys in the soft play who neglect to notice my daughter playing, or the little lad who snatches from her in the library. It is not their fault.

But by stating: “boys will be boys,” we allow boys and men to excuse their behaviour, while also giving very little room for those boys who do not fit this mould. But that’s a topic for another time.

Nostalgia for better times

One of the chief motivators for men and boys to ‘take the Red Pill’ is the idea of ‘resetting the balance’.

In a 2023 study entitled Swallowing and spitting out the red pill: young men, vulnerability, and radicalization pathways in the manosphere, researchers looked at the experiences of men who entered the manosphere and have since been deradicalised.

One participant states he still has an “inner struggle where he is repelled by [the red pill’s] misogynist ideology, yet he ‘cannot but help’ to believe in it anyway.” Thus leading the researchers to pose the idea that: “redpillers share a nostalgia over an idealized time before feminism and the sexual revolution and a fear of change in gender relations. “

There is a famous unattributed quote that goes something like… “when you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.”

The idea that the men of my generation were likely raised by men who lived entirely different lives is integral to the understanding of this concept. Only two generations ago, men were able to earn a salary that would take care of a whole family. Their efforts directly impacted the family, and they likely spent much longer outside of the family home. Therefore, they were not there for the illnesses, the accidents, the emotional outbursts after school… women were responsible for all emotional support, which meant these men grew up never seeing a vulnerable man.

Why does vulnerability matter so much?

It goes without saying, vulnerability is not the same as weakness; if anything, it’s the opposite.

By showing vulnerability, you are able to demonstrate that you understand you are fallible. All men (all people!) are fallible, and knowing this allows us to be responsible for our actions. It helps men see women as real human beings and, perhaps most importantly here, not blame others for their behaviour.

Jamie does not commit a murder because he is rejected. He kills Katie because of the way the rejection makes him feel. He is vulnerable. He has lost the power over her that he gained in seeing her topless photo.

Perhaps if we show boys and young men that it’s okay to be vulnerable and that rejection is part of life, then we can create more well-rounded individuals who help raise their peers up, not knock them down.

Spring is trying its very best to make an appearance here in the North East, so I’ve been enjoying getting outside with my daughter whenever possible.

Here are some things I've enjoyed over the last week:

🎥 Sing Sing (Prime) - Incredible film about a theatre arts programme at Sing Sing prison. I wish this had picked up more awards.

🎧The Giver by Chappell Roan - She’s back and it’s incred.

🎧People Watching by Sam Fender - Excellent album that’s been accompanying me on my Edinburgh Half training.

That’s all from me, see you next week,

Ellen x

💌 About this email

I’m Ellen, and I write about mental health for the chronically online. I am a freelance copywriter, strategist and web designer, and I work from home with my husband, Craig, at Content By The Sea. We have two rescue greyhounds, Potter and Harmony, and a toddler.

I started this newsletter in March 2020 and have sent over 200(!) emails; currently, I have over 1,300 subscribers. I write about a wide variety of topics, including diet culture, my love of running, jealousy, my life falling apart, mam guilt, and this dystopian world we all live in.

💛 How you can support me

If you like reading my weekly emails, you can give me a kickback in one or more of the following ways:

📨 Share this post

📬 Subscribe for free (if you haven’t already!)

💬 Leave a comment on this newsletter