No two struggles are the same
Breaking the cycle
This newsletter has become something I never, ever wanted it to be: inconsistent.
But one year into parenting, I am starting to realise that my life will never be the same as it was before. I might not be nap trapped or constantly feeding anymore, but that time has since been replaced by a near-constant chase of a baby on the cusp of walking. I’m sure when she does finally take her first steps, that will bring with it a whole host of other challenges, too.
I wanted to kickstart the newsletter again for a few reasons. Firstly, because I can. Our daughter is now attending nursery two days a week, so I am working three days (she spends one with her dad), and I have more time to think about things other than meal planning and laundry. And secondly, because work is quiet - this side of summer always brings with it a lull in the B2B space, so I am taking this opportunity to rest and recuperate after a manic few years.
Recently, I have been thinking about how similar parenting and running a business can be, especially in terms of the competitive nature of both, and how it always feels like other people have it sorted when you are struggling through.
Whether it’s that crunchy mom on TikTok who breastfeeds, only uses cloth nappies, allows zero screen time and still manages to look perfectly put-together at all times; or the freelancer you’ve spotted on Twitter celebrating a five-figure month, a sell-out webinar and a Amazon best-selling ebook… it’s near impossible to escape the habit of comparison.
I’ve written about the dangers of comparison in business before (see below), and a quick Twitter poll revealed that most freelancers do find themselves occasionally feeling jealous of their peers. But I think that my perception of what it means to compare yourself to others, and the impact that can have on your mental state, has only been exacerbated by entering the world of parenting.
The truth is, we’re all struggling. And the act of struggling is not one that can be quantified. Of course, some struggles are significantly worse. For example, nothing I face in my current daily life is comparable to the struggles I endured when my mam died. However, that doesn’t mean because my life is better now that I’m not allowed to struggle.
Struggling is relative.
This is the case in both parenting and running a business.
So, how do we cope with the struggle? And, more importantly for me, the guilt of struggling when some people have it worse.
I recently appeared on Tom Davies’ Podcast By The Pier, in which we discussed balancing pregnancy and parenting while freelancing. This is a topic I have become known for discussing, especially concerning the poor maternity and paternity provisions for freelancers. But when I do explore this subject, I have a lot of issues within my own internal monologue.
I am constantly arguing with myself about whether I have it better or worse than everyone else, and if I am even entitled to struggle at all.
Here’s how it usually goes…
“Since we are both freelancers, we had to keep working and only received basic maternity and paternity pay.”
But Craig was at home (while working) through the hardest days, meaning he could help when I was nap trapped or exhausted.
“We have to pay more than our mortgage each month for nursery because we have no consistent family childcare.”
Many people have to quit their jobs and become full-time parents (even when they don’t want to) because nursery fees would result in an income deficit.
“When I’m not working, I am the primary carer for our child. I rarely have time to be anything other than a parent or a freelancer.”
I have full days free to dedicate time to my child, and she benefits from one full day a week with her Dad - something that many children don’t get.
I’m sure you get the picture. Maybe you are reading this thinking, “Wow, Ellen… your brain is crazy” (it’s exhausting). But hopefully, you can relate in some way or other, even if you aren’t a parent or running a business.
It might be that beautiful home renovation account on Instagram or that co-worker who always has a healthy lunch box… there’s always a comparison, and our struggle will perpetuate that feeling.
In my experience, this struggle/comparison cycle fosters nothing but misery. There is no way to win this game. I can only recommend learning to spot the telltale signs and try to break the cycle.
Have a word with yourself. I know I need to.
If you liked this, you might also like these past issues on similar topics:
If this topic resonates with you, then you can reply to this email for a confidential chat. Or you can find me over on Twitter @ContentByTheSea.
Until next week (maybe),
Ellen x
This is exactly how I feel. Primary carer, trying to run a creative business/freelance and when I do have free time, I am exhausted but I remind myself every now and then that any free time is a privilege. Honestly, self care out the window, it is a constant struggle. We have no family support either and I think until one of the two kids goes to school we are just going to have to tread water. I know we need to do better but I’m not sure how. It is a struggle and I see you.