Women and girls can be cruel.
Groups of women and girls can be absolutely savage.
It all starts in the school playground and continues into pretty much any situation where you find groups of women. In my experience, one of the worst places for this cruelty is at work.
Toxic femininity refers to the negative traits which are often associated with women and their gender stereotypes. In the workplace, women from all walks of life come together, and often we’re pushed to the sidelines by men. We miss out on promotions and typically earn considerably less. Really, we should all stick together in our fight against the patriarchy. However, more commonly, the opposite happens.
Women are pitted against each other, stand on each other’s shoulders and band together to exclude the odd one out. Anything to be considered “one of the guys” and not the weakest link.
As the more underexplored topic compared to the male equivalent, defining the exact traits of toxic femininity can be tricky. So, here are some characteristics I’ve experienced in my time at work:
Sly comments about what you’re eating and its calorific value.
The feeling that they stop talking when you walk into the room.
Sudden exclusion of certain individuals at the whim of the group.
Acting like your best friend to your face while telling lies about you behind your back.
Toxic femininity is not easy to pinpoint, never mind report. It’s hidden in small looks, quiet whispers, and seemingly well-meaning comments. It’s all protected by an invisible but well-established structure that’s likely been in place since well before you started working there.
As women, we are told by society to be small. Be quiet. Don’t take up to much space. Never ask for what you want directly… and it’s in this place of indirectness that toxic femininity festers.
This week, I watched Lynn & Lucy, a film that perfectly encapsulates how toxic femininity can snowball from the smallest thing. In the film, our protagonist Lynn confides in a colleague at her new job in a hair salon. Less than 24 hours later, the whole shop knows her inner worries, and it’s changed their perception of her for good.
I won’t go into too much detail as I think it’s a great one to go into blind, but I highly recommend if you’re interested in the idea of toxic femininity.
I think one of the reasons why toxic femininity has become so prevalent is because traditionally feminine traits simply aren’t valued in the workplace. Nurturing, sensitivity, empathy and kindness are rarely brought up in a performance review.
And us women are stuck between a rock and a hard place as we also struggle to manifest typically masculine traits without evoking a reaction.
Straight talker? You’re a bitch.
Natural leader? You’re a bully.
Strong natured? You’re cold.
Work-orientated? You’re neglecting your family.
Planning a family? You’re neglecting work.
Too often, we can do no right. And it’s in these contradictions where toxic femininity takes hold of us all. We behave in such a way that’s not natural to us. We make bitchy comments to fit in. We’ll do just about anything to avoid being the weakest link, and often that means turning against our fellow women at work.
I asked about toxic femininity at work on Twitter, and here are some experiences that people have shared:
It’s been a few years since I worked in a traditional office environment, so I can only hope this culture is less prevalent now… but I highly doubt it.
I want to know about your experiences of toxic femininity at work, and let’s chat about how to make it a thing of the past over on Twitter @ContentByTheSea.
Things I’ve enjoyed lately
📺The Last of Us - It’s finally here and it’s really, really good.
📽️ The Menu (Disney+) - Finally, a film so good that I have stopped talking about Barbarian (also on Disney+) for five seconds to recommend this instead.
📚 A Life’s Work by Rachel Cusk - I don’t really like ‘parenting’ books, but this was outstanding. A truly realistic depiction of early motherhood.
That's all from me this week, hopefully I'll be back next Wednesday with more on mental health, working life and internet culture.
Ellen x
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