Sorry for the inconvenience

Why is my comfort less important than other people's?

I am writing this on the train to London. This is my first time going to the Big Smoke since 2016 (I think?). I'm off to see Macbeth with David Tennant and Cush Jumbo at the Harold Pinter Theatre. But that's not what I wanted to write about today.

When I first got on this train, I realised I had accidentally booked a window seat. I hate sitting anywhere other than in an aisle seat for so many reasons, but it mostly boils down to a feeling of being trapped in my seat.

I initially sat in my allocated seat and then I noticed this was making me feel quite anxious. But the idea of moving was bringing up other worries. If I move now, the people sitting near me will think I hate them - or that I don't want to sit near them for some other reason. They will also have to move to let me out, which is inconvenient for them.

I have been listening to the audiobook to Unmasked by Ellie Middleton, and I had her voice in my head about making accommodations for myself, and being kinder. So, I moved - it was awkward, but now I'm in an aisle seat, and I feel more relaxed.

This reminds me of the time when I was in my most anxious period; I was struggling to go to the cinema through the fear of needing to leave (for the loo or any other reason) and disrupting other people's experience. Looking back, this was such a shame, because I am a massive film nerd and going to the cinema is one of my all-time favourite activities.

This whole scenario might sound ridiculous to you. If so, congratulations, you're not an anxious people pleaser. But if it does sound familiar, then hopefully reading this email will encourage you to do one thing this week that makes you feel more comfortable, even if you inconvenience others.

A few years ago, I was in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) for my generalised anxiety and panic attacks. I remember bringing up the cinema scenario to my therapist. What if I need to leave the cinema? What if I need to leave more than once? It will disrupt them, and they will be annoyed at me. This would begin a spiral that would, ultimately, end in a panic attack - and then I’d have to leave anyway.

The therapist said a couple of things:

Question: How do you feel when people squeeze past you in the cinema?

Answer: I'm not bothered at all.

Question: Why is your comfort less of a priority than that of a stranger?

Answer: I have no idea.

Nicola Muthurangu-Hall

wrote an extensive series on people-pleasing, she specifically covers the fear of ‘taking up space’ - which I think goes hand-in-hand with the concept of worrying about inconveniencing others. In her piece "How to (finally) stop people pleasing”, Nicola wrote:

Something that definitely sits in the realm of people pleasing is the constant subconscious refusal to take up space in the world. One of the most extreme anxieties linked to people-pleasing is the chronic fear of undeservingly demanding care and attention when we feel others need it more.

This piece also has some great tips for quitting people-pleasing - I probably need to bookmark that to re-read later.

In the past, I’ve often thought I couldn’t possibly be a people pleaser because I am not the type of person to come across as overly polite or kind. I obviously have manners, but my tone or demeanor is often misinterpreted as rude - probably a topic for another time. But in my ongoing internal exploration of who I actually am, I’m noticing more and more times in my life where I have done things simply to not upset or even mildly inconvenience others.

While anyone can be a people pleaser, it’s well known that women are more prone to these activities. I always remember this study that explored how, in a busy street, women will weave around other people, while men will walk straight and assume others will move for them.

I am starting to wonder how many things I do with the motivation of not inconveniencing others, and not because that’s what I actually want to do. Even just asking this question is the start of something, I think. So many of us are living in auto-pilot, and not really questioning anything we do but then when the sadness squeezes out of the sandwich (read my sandwich theory to understand wtf that’s about), we struggle to connect the feelings with their source.

Let me know what you think, and if you have noticed you do things out of the fear of inconveniencing others in the comments below.

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There’s no Touching Grass this week because this train is making me feel nauseous - I’ll do a bumper edition next week.

See you next week,

Ellen x

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💌 About this email

I’m Ellen, and I write about mental health for the chronically online. I am a freelance copywriter, strategist and web designer, and I work from home with my husband, Craig, at Content By The Sea. We have two rescue greyhounds, Potter and Harmony, and a toddler.

I started this newsletter in March 2020 and have sent over 180 emails; currently, I have over 1,200 subscribers. I write about a wide variety of topics, including diet culture, my love of running, jealousy, my life falling apart, mam guilt, and this dystopian world we all live in.

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