The whitest of knights are see-through

Discussing the weaponisation of 'therapy speak' and the armour of neurodivergence

TW: sexual assault allegations, #MeToo, coercive control

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Earlier in the week, I listened to disgraced actor Armie Hammer on the Louis Theroux podcast. I was expecting some funny snippets, but not the gotcha moment it turned into. Theroux is an expert at getting people to unintentionally reveal their true selves, and this episode is a throwback to his ‘90s Weird Weekends.

Hammer was outed by an ex-girlfriend (who he cheated on his wife with) in 2021 for a whole host of abuse allegations, many of which included very dark themes, such as cannibalism and sexual assault. Other alleged victims came forward, and the Call Me By Your Name star disappeared out of the limelight; he was even spotted selling timeshares in the Cayman Islands (which he refers to on the podcast as “fun”.)

There was a Discovery+ documentary about the Hammer dynasty, which I didn’t watch as I stay away from true crime, but this was likely the last the mainstream had heard about Armie until he appeared on Theroux’s podcast this week.

Within the first few minutes, alarm bells were ringing for me, as Armie says:

“But the whole point of this has never been, I'm going to rehabilitate my image, or I'm doing this so people can see me or anything like that. The whole point of this was like... There is a very uncomfortable aspect about leaning into the vulnerable. And I have just found over the last couple of years that those things that make you uncomfortable are actually the things that you should lean into.”

Leaning into the vulnerable? Pull the other one.

The weaponisation of ‘therapy speak’

This is textbook therapy speak. And we’ve seen this type of language employed as a self-defensive mechanism before.

Remember when fellow Hollywood actor Jonah Hill was the subject of leaked text messages in which he said he was: “setting his boundaries” in a way that looked suspiciously like he was trying to control his partner’s actions/clothing, etc?

While these are, of course, both situations of very different levels of severity, there is an unignorable common theme here. In a post-#MeToo world, we are seeing arguably abusive men co-opt the language used by therapists to promote positive mental health as a means of getting their victims on side.

Progressive to perv pipeline

To take this a step further, I think it’s worth exploring how therapy speak is just one aspect of progressive thinking that these men are appropriating to get their own way.

In the podcast, Theroux references Hammer’s participation in the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements following the imprisonment of Harvey Weinstein. There’s another well-known public figure who spoke up against abuse before then being accused of the very same thing… that’s Neil Gaiman.

In the Tortoise Media podcast about Gaiman and later The Vulture article, investigations found that there are several women who are accusing the author of coercive, abusive and violent behaviour. This is a huge key change from Gaiman’s public persona as an activist; he is a long-time collaborator of Tori Amos, who founded the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) in 1994.

How did we get it so wrong with Gaiman?

The easy answer would be that he was hidden in plain sight. By speaking so openly about women’s rights, trans rights and other progressive causes, he was able to actively pursue his own interests, knowing that any accusations would seem entirely unfounded to the public eye.

The more complicated and darker reason why men like Gaiman are able to get away with such actions is that they use language to centre themselves as, at best, not responsible and, at worst, victims of such situations.

The women are led to enact the fawn response, knowing that sympathy is what is keeping them safe. And this is why victims go back to their abusers, time and time again. They feel sorry for them, they worry about what might happen if they leave them, and they might even be able to fix them… the abuser makes them feel special by exposing their vulnerable sides.

But we all know not to stroke a cat’s tummy unless you want to get clawed.

I suspect this is an evolutionary survival instinct for abusive men preying on the vulnerable in a post-#MeToo world. Weinstein was powerful; he was domineering, and he forced himself on women in an aggressive and unforgiving way. The new generation of abusers are sensitive, they just need a little help… they are uncertain, tentative even. They employ the exact language our therapists use. They appeal to the very strongest instinct we have as women— empathy.

The neurodivergence excuse

I’m sure I’ve written about this before, but it’s impossible to skirt over the venn diagram of these men who are accused of abhorrent behaviour, and them pulling the ‘neurodivergent’ excuse.

One of Gaiman’s female friends said the author “has autism, suggesting that perhaps “some of his mistakes” may be explained by its contribution to what she called his “naivety”.

I have to say, as an autistic person myself, that we are typically more concerned with seeking and confirming clear instructions due to our lifelong experiences of being potentially misunderstood. To say that his autism has anything to do with his actions is downright bullshit.

Remember a few weeks ago when Elon Musk whacked out a Nazi salute at Trump’s inauguration and people were very quick to blame his autism… again, I fall over shit all the time, I fumble my words, but I’ve never accidentally flipped the sieg heils.

In a much less serious example, Barry Keoghan tells Louis Theroux about his ADHD diagnosis and, in the same interview, skirts some of the claims about him being an ‘absent father’. This was before he allegedly cheated on Sabrina Carpenter.

And while we are shaped by our life experiences, our neurodivergences and so many other factors, I think it’s hard to ignore how often these men, in particular, are pulling their diagnoses into discussions as an excuse for their behaviours— this is the next level above “leaning into vulnerability” as we can be led to believe that ND people are not responsible for their actions. This is simply untrue.

This attitude also feeds into the narrative that ND people cannot simply exist in normal society. We are bad people, who do bad things. Autistic people do not abuse because they ‘don’t understand the signals’, if they do abuse, it’s because they are abusers— it has nothing to do with autism.

I vote we take a more critical look at the language being used by alleged abusers in the public eye, and how they are distancing themselves from accountability, either through passive voice — Hammer says: “And then this happened to me and it woke me the fuck up” in reference to the abuse allegations - it happened to him, he didn’t do anything.)

Or, through the ‘armour’ of neurodivergent diagnoseses.

Whichever it is, or even a combination of the two… we have to stop letting this cloud our judgment. We, as a society, are allowing ourselves to become coerced, and that’s exactly what these men want.

Here are some things I've enjoyed this week:

📺Amandaland (BBC iPlayer) - Absolutely hilarious spin-off from the classic BBC sitcom, Motherland.

📚Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar - It seems like everyone has been talking about this novel and it definitely lived up to the hype.

See you next week,

Ellen x

I co-founded a conference

Michelle | Specky Scribbler

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💌 About this email

I’m Ellen, and I write about mental health for the chronically online. I am a freelance copywriter, strategist and web designer, and I work from home with my husband, Craig, at Content By The Sea. We have two rescue greyhounds, Potter and Harmony, and a toddler.

I started this newsletter in March 2020 and have sent over 200(!) emails; currently, I have over 1,200 subscribers. I write about a wide variety of topics, including diet culture, my love of running, jealousy, my life falling apart, mam guilt, and this dystopian world we all live in.

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