Deck the halls, not each other

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Last year, I listened to this great podcast episode from No Worries If Not about ‘problematic family.’ The episode is framed in the context of the festive period, and how many of us are faced with family members with different, often problematic, opinions.

Sprouts with a side of bigotry

I don’t know about you, but it takes a lot out of me to sit and listen to people talk about subjects I am passionate about, especially when misinformation is being spread. However, I also recognise that Christmas should be a time of togetherness, and calling out a racist uncle is anything but unifying.

More often than not, the person who does the calling out is seen as the troublemaker and not the one who is sharing their ill-informed opinions over the roast potatoes. So, sometimes, it’s better just to say nothing at all.

It’s not just the politics that I fear about Christmas get-togethers; there are other obstacles to navigate. As a parent of a two-year-old, the question of having another baby will inevitably come up. I laugh it off because I have this response in my arsenal, but it does irk me every single time.

There’s nothing wrong with small talk (although I don’t like it), and a little chinwag with a distance cousin about their job and family is fine, especially when you don’t see them often. But families are complicated, and the pressure of the Christmas period (which I wrote about last week) means that it can be quite stressful.

Perhaps thoughts are spinning around your head…

Will he speak to her?

Can I invite them both at the same time?

Don’t mention her when you’re at his.

Should we buy presents for them?

Have you sent them a card or just a text?

Every family has its own problems. I’m sure there are plenty where the biggest argument will be what to watch on Christmas evening or who does the dishes after dinner… but for many of us, it’s more than that.

This is a careful game of chess. Move the wrong piece, say the wrong thing, and it’s all over.

Christmas is a wonderful time of the year, and I am sure some of you reading this can’t relate at all— but those of who you can, I just wanted to say: I see you.

It’s okay to not look forward to Christmas, or only to feel dread about some aspects of the holiday season. Ironically, this is supposed to be a time of joy, but only if you follow the rules society puts in place.

In a 2015 Guardian article, writer Nell Frizzel quotes a Relate study that found 68% of people expected to row over the Christmas holidays, with 39% citing Christmas Day as “the epicentre of their family disharmony.” I wonder how much this has changed since the pandemic. I’d hope people are less likely to fall out now, as they took the lockdown as an opportunity to readdress imbalances and set new traditions. I’d love to know if this is the case, or if perhaps the alternative is true and Christmas is a more contentious period than ever?

Either way, I wanted to take this opportunity to share some tips and resources to not just surviving the festive season, but thriving in it.

Mental health charity Mind has a great resource on their website for people struggling with depression at Christmas, covering everything from money worries to loneliness and difficult family situations. This is a great foundation of reassurance, especially if you are concerned about the long-term impact of spending, or feel like you can’t keep up with demands.

Expanding on that, I think it’s worth highlighting that, while people can make demands of you, only you can choose whether you want to live up to them. This is an extension of the people-pleasing conversation I wrote about in October.

Perhaps you are being pulled from pillar to post, spending many of the days around Christmas driving to visit family and delivering presents, all while keeping the kids in check.

Before you do anything, ask yourself (and your partner): do we have to do this? If you do, then what can you do to ensure your needs are also met? Maybe agree to a secret signal to let the other person know it’s time to leave or order a takeaway instead of cooking a big dinner.

And finally, I’ll set you a challenge:

Say no to one thing you don’t really want to do this December.

Do something you want to do instead.

Have a bath. Read a book. Watch a TV show (I recommend Industry, it’s wild.)

Let me know one thing you’re going to do for yourself this festive period.

We are so busy with work at the moment, I have little to share here. But here’s a lovely photo of Potter and Tiger having a cuddle.

Other things I’ve enjoyed:

📚 What You Need From the Night by Laurent Petitmangan - Fantastic French novel about a man whose son joins the Front National. If you, like me, enjoy books that emotionally destroy you, then give this a go.

📚Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland: An outstanding non-fiction narrative covering The Troubles starting in the 1970s all the way to the 21st century.

🎥Strange Darling (Prime Rental) - I absolutely adored this serial killer thriller with a difference. I highly recommend you go into this blind.

See you next week,

Ellen x

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If you like the audio version of this newsletter, you can listen to them all over on Spotify. Here’s last week’s:

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💌 About this email

I’m Ellen, and I write about mental health for the chronically online. I am a freelance copywriter, strategist and web designer, and I work from home with my husband, Craig, at Content By The Sea. We have two rescue greyhounds, Potter and Harmony, and a toddler.

I started this newsletter in March 2020 and have sent over 200(!) emails; currently, I have over 1,200 subscribers. I write about a wide variety of topics, including diet culture, my love of running, jealousy, my life falling apart, mam guilt, and this dystopian world we all live in.

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