It’s been six weeks since my last newsletter, which is a much, much longer break than I ever intended to take. To be honest, I’ve been struggling. I can’t seem to find a comfortable balance between being a mother, a wife, a freelancer, a homeowner, a friend… and a person who simply exists for herself.
When I was pregnant, I told everyone I’d “be back” in three months. By October, I expected to have all my shit sorted out. How naïve. Now I know that I’ll probably never have my shit sorted out again… and that’s ok.
I tweeted about our struggles with sleep, and I had some really lovely responses, including a few mentions of the old adage, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. And yet I was trying to get the dregs out of that bloody cup for nearly eight months. Only now have I realised that I have to put myself first sometimes; otherwise, I am no good to anyone.
Parenting really does bring out those deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings. I’ve had days where I’ve felt nothing but guilt, allowing thoughts to become truths in my overtired mind.
Things I’ve felt guilty about
Having a shower
Putting on baby telly
Buying takeaway coffee
Not writing this newsletter
Going back to sleep in the morning
Seeing friends without the baby
Putting on makeup
Working
Not working
Eating cake
Ordering takeaway
Not doing the dishes
And that’s just the stuff that comes to mind at this moment.
Yet if my friend said to me, “I feel so guilty for putting on baby TV so I can take a shower”, I’d laugh. Not because it’s funny but because it’s truly ridiculous that a shower can be perceived as a luxury and not a necessity or that showing some lighthearted sensory videos to my child makes me a bad parent.
Why do we treat ourselves worse than we do others?
When I hear that voice in my head criticising my work or my struggle to keep up with household chores, I’m going to start challenging it. Would I say that to a friend? No. So, I won’t say it to myself.
I’m trying to be a better friend to myself. Let’s see how it goes.
Are you a good friend to yourself or not? How could we be better friends? Let’s chat over on Twitter @ContentByTheSea.
Currently enjoying….
📚Slug by Hollie McNish
A fantastic collection of poetry, essays and short stories about myriad topics, including parenting, feminism and family life. I adore Hollie’s writing; her poem about giving birth made me both laugh and cry. I can’t recommend this and her other writing enough.
📺Atlanta (S4 - Disney+)
Donald Glover’s surreal and hilarious show is coming to an end and the final chapter is finally available to stream. This is one unique piece of TV, I can’t really put it into words, but if you like satire, magic realism and asking yourself, “what did I just watch?!” then I highly recommend this show from the start.
📺Daisy Jones and the Six (Prime Video)
Yes, I’m one of those basic bitches who will read (pretty much) anything Taylor Jenkins Reid writes. This is the first TV adaptation of her work, and the first three episodes are out on Prime, with new ones coming every Friday. As someone who grew up watching Almost Famous on repeat, this show speaks to my rock ‘n’ roll-loving soul.
That’s all from me this week, I’ll see you next Friday for more of the same.
Ellen x
If you liked this, you might also like:
20 January: Not all women
4 January: New year… new me?
16 November: When life gives you poop
9 November: The last pasta sauce
26 October: I’m no mumpreneur
14 September: R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Finding out what it means to me
31st August: Giving up the balancing act
24th August: The longer I wait, the harder it gets
29th June: Coping with all of *this*
22nd June: Did you jump or were you pushed?