All by myself
Finally getting some time alone
Next month, I’ll have been a mother for a whole year. One year of being someone’s absolutely everything. I can’t even conceive the idea of having a one-year-old, practically a toddler. It’s wild.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I was disappointed by the limited support for self-employed parents. As a result, I passed all my work onto Craig and told my clients I’d been back in three months.
Three. Months.
I was mad.
In what world did I think things would return to normal in three months?
The truth is, nothing will ever be “normal” again. Or at least the same kind of normal that I was used to before becoming a parent.
When I was hungry, I’d eat. Tired? Have a lie down. Fancied grabbing dinner out? Off I went.
Since we have two rescue dogs, I couldn’t just jet off on a last-minute trip but I definitely enjoyed a lot more freedom than I do now.
I’ve got to be honest. As an introvert, I’ve struggled with a serious lack of alone time. I am unsure whether it’s a reaction to the pandemic or parenthood (or both), but I have become overstimulated much quicker than before. I have less tolerance for anything that I don’t deem ‘worth my time’ - probably because I have such little free time now, every second of it should be cherished.
Over the last 11 months, I’ve learned that free time is no longer a guarantee. I have to ask for it or even construct situations where I get what I need. In May, I went to Paris for 24 hours. This was the first time I left the baby overnight and I expected to hate it… but I didn’t? And then, naturally, I felt guilty about not being upset to leave her. Of course, I missed her. But it was great to be free for a bit. I had a small backpack with only my own possessions, I didn’t have to worry about nap times or feeding or anything. I met my dad, so I wasn’t completely alone when I got out there but even the act of travelling alone was enough to make me realise how little time I’ve actually spent alone in the last 11 months.
Alone ≠ lonely
Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely. In fact, I’ve had some of the loneliest times of my life in the last year or so and most of them took place when I was anything but alone - usually in the middle of the night while physically attached to a cluster-feeding newborn, lying beside a sleeping Craig.
When I first started freelancing, one of the most common questions I got asked by family and friends was: “Won’t you be lonely?” I knew this wouldn’t be the case, and I was right, as I’ve met hundreds of great people, many of whom I now consider close friends, through this whole self-employment malarkey. Comparing that to the deep loneliness and isolation I felt while working a traditional office job, I know which scenario I’d pick any day.
Finding time to be alone and recharge my introvert battery is harder than ever now that I have a little mini-me tugging at my trousers, so I have had to start taking a more proactive approach. I realised that I was never going to get what I needed by just sitting around and waiting, so now I have just started to block out time where I can simply do what I want, by myself.
Last weekend, I took Potter to the local market and we got a coffee and some treats for the rest of the family. It was so lovely to go outside without a buggy, nappies, changing bag or the time pressure to be back by nap time.
On work days, I’ve enjoyed venturing to a co-working space to be among other freelancers, while still working by myself as opposed to trying to battle through the emails to the soundtrack of Ms Rachel and Craig’s new ukelele habit…
How do you feel about being alone? Is it something you dread or a necessary part of maintaining sanity? For me, it’s definitely the latter. Let me know over on Twitter @ContentByTheSea.
Currently enjoying….
💬Reaching 1,000 subscribers!
I can’t believe I’ve finally hit the big 1k. I started this newsletter three years ago and have struggled to keep up with it over the last few months, but hopefully, this milestone will motivate me to keep going with a weekly email from now on!
📚Riot Days by Maria Alyokhina
Incredible memoir from Alyokhina, a founding member of the Russian punk group Pussy Riot, about her absolutely brutal time in prison. A must-read.
📚Boy Friends by Michael Pedersen
Another memoir about Michael’s friendship with Scottish singer-songwriter Scott Hutchison who died by suicide in 2018.
📺Ted Lasso (Apple TV)
It’s over. I can’t believe it. I’m heartbroken.
📺Taskmaster (Channel 4)
Season 15 has been epic, I’ve loved these contestants so much and I will be very sad to see them go.
That’s all from me this week, I’ll see you next Friday for more of the same.
Ellen x
If you liked this, you might also like:
31 March: Tidy house, tidy mind
17 March: The thrill of the chase
10 March: Meet my new best friend
20 January: Not all women
4 January: New year… new me?
16 November: When life gives you poop
9 November: The last pasta sauce
26 October: I’m no mumpreneur
14 September: R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Finding out what it means to me
31st August: Giving up the balancing act
24th August: The longer I wait, the harder it gets
29th June: Coping with all of *this*
22nd June: Did you jump or were you pushed?
I'm not a parent myself so I can't directly relate, but so much of what you talk about resonates with me. I absolutely must have alone time. I not only enjoy it but it's also necessary for restoring my energy levels. What you say about getting overstimulated much more quickly than a few years ago is very much what I'm feeling at the moment. And tolerance going down, yep. It's great to read about how you're starting to be a bit more proactive and the benefits you're feeling. It must be incredibly challenging to ring fence this time but I hope you can keep carving it out.
fabulously written. Great milestone, congratulations